I once remember reading in a Zodiac blog that Taurus want security in a relationship, they need to know that they would not wake up one day with no one by their side. I could not agree more. That’s why I hate our maybe-maybe-not relationship. It drives me crazy. I don’t like not knowing. So last night, I decided to pour it on you. I told you I can’t do this. I want to know what we are, so that I would know how to act, what to demand and what to give. I remember blurting out that I love you. So much. And you said that you’re really sorry that I’m hurting with you knowing it. But that’s not the answer that I wanted to hear. All I wanted for you to say is that you love me too. There, that would’ve fixed it. That would’ve made me feel safe. I told you that I think I got the answer, and that I wanted you to know that I’ve exhausted my pride and courage in confronting you. That you should forget that I ever said I loved you, because I will try to forget it as well. You said that you didn’t want to lose me, that I’m special and I’m the only one that made you feel special. Stupid, thick-headed me did not realize that it was as good as an “I love you.” I ignored your text, and prepared to go to sleep, like I would even be able to after everything tonight. Magically, my phone was not in silent mode. My ringtone cracked the peaceful silence of the night, the screen flashing your name, “Ariel.” Not “Oppa <3” anymore. I answered, suprisingly, my voice did not break. “Hello?” “Hello?” The moment I heard your voice, I ended the call. I watch too much Korean movies, I know. 10 seconds later, you called again. I walked into the other room since I did not want my parents and siblings to hear whatever it is I would be saying.

“Are you mad?” you asked me.

“No. I just want to sleep.”

“Okay.” 

“Why did you call?” I asked you, and then I think I heard you crying, taking deep breaths, sobbing. I was surprised. You’re so manly, but I’ve heard you cry when we watched Love of Siam. I know your voice when you’re crying. “Ugh, this is so hard.” You sobbed into the phone. “Just don’t leave me, okay? Don’t ignore me.” You said, your voice breaking. This time, I was also crying. And for a minute there, we were just crying at each other. And then I realized, what are we doing? Hurting, when we can just be together and happy. You said “Good thing you’re not in front of me, seeing me so helpless.” Then you ended the call. I lay awake for the rest of the night, just thinking about you. Shouldn’t it be easier now? Shouldn’t I be happy? It was just now that i realized what a stupid thing I did. I realized, “I love you” is not a magic word that would suddenly give security and stability to our relationship. I realized maybe you don’t believe in those words, in labels, and stuffs. And looking at the big picture, and everything you’ve ever did for me, I realized that you did love me. If I made you cry like that and almost beg me not to leave you, wasn’t that an “I love you” gesture? I’m so sorry, I was so stupid. I’m sorry, I hope it’s not to late to repair all the damages I’ve done, because I can’t live without you. I haven’t loved anyone like this before, and I don’t think I can love anyone else that is not you.